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Promenading on the Fine Line

Friday, May 19, 2017 @ 2:36 AM

I want to store today's memories and replay it over and over again; I want to remember how this day felt for me. I forgot what joy, laughter, and pure interest felt like. I cried so hard from laughter several times today from our light bickering and banter, and I pulled so many lighthearted and sassy jokes with you today. I just couldn't stop smiling. It was such an intense rush of serotonin, it almost felt like a high.

I wish I could write down every moment and everything we mentioned about today. From waiting for me after class/lab, making sure I stay on task, taking me out to your favorite places (as basic as they are), educating me in movies and watching them with me, making plans to combine our passions, telling me stories about your family and messing with me by telling me gory incidents, challenging each other at games, finding out about your lawn mower playlist, and the sweetest thing of all, trying new things out of your comfort zone with me.
You are so funny and not scared to play rough, but so considerately sweet to check up on me every time I made it home safely from a long night at school.

In moments like this, I get so scared of being this close to somebody--of growing so attached. I then realized it's because I am afraid of the possible pain that comes with caring so much about somebody. I am afraid of losing them, and the immense hurt that follows. It is almost a selfish form of protection, almost, by pushing those away who care about you. I don't ever want to return to the darkest period of my life, but it's moments like today where I find so much meaning to live, laugh, and love. I remember what it's like to genuinely laugh and have a good, damn time.

Like I mentioned before, I am a firm believer that everyone who I crossed paths with had a specific purpose and reason in my life. Even though I acknowledged your existence in the past two quarters, we never really talked until the end of the last quarter--my last quarter. Fate has its reasons and quirks, but I am so happy that we've gotten to know each other--I haven't clicked so quickly and grown so comfortable with anyone like this in a long time.

You're an absolute ray of sunshine, G. Thank you for making me laugh every time we see each other.