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Promenading on the Fine Line

Tuesday, February 21, 2017 @ 12:36 AM

Nacchan from Terrace House reminds me a lot of, well, me. It's a difficult thing for me to accept, and vocally share because she's seemingly the most disliked from the show due to her apparent, selfish nature. Even when your friend is hurting right in front of you, and even if you care so much about the person, the moment your ego gets attacked just a bit you have the strongest urge but to turn the whole situation all about you and forget to consider the other person's feelings. You begin to point fingers, and you refuse to apologize, and try to justify your actions by bringing up all the nice things you've done before. No, no, no; that was terrible. Watching that happen on screen made me feel so uneasy, because it reminded me of myself so much and how poorly I treat people.

Yeah, that's me. I hesitate to use the past tense, because I'm not sure myself if I've gotten better about my lack of empathy. My selfish tendencies are still there and lingering, but most people can't see it unless there is a reason for it to show. And the only time it would show is if I was close and comfortable with you for me to show this part of me, so how do I go about practicing to become a better version of myself when I have to invest so much time and vulnerability?

Now that I think about it, this may possibly be my biggest flaw. Not being able to apologize right away, and having the tendency to become so self centered that I can never admit fault that I blame it on something else. I get too scared. I get too scared to make mistakes, so I blame it on other things when they do happen. I get too scared of others not liking me because of them, so I try to maintain my version of this unachievable perfection. I constantly tell others that I'm not perfect, and it's okay to not be perfect, but why do I try so hard to achieve this level of perfection? What am I so truly afraid of? This is almost ironic, because I really just want to become a decent person, yet I'm refusing to let go of such a volatile defense mechanism.

This is something I've been wanting to work on, for a long, long time. But the several chances I get, I seem to revert back to such hateful spite. I struggle with the very question of how?