& it all amounts to this.
When it comes to giving and receiving, I'm not the one for materialistic things. Sure, it's nice to have every once in a while when you deserve them, but when it's a very important day coming up or a special occasion, it's much moreso the experience than anything. Albeit, I'm not the one for expensive, extravagant experiences either, and I think that's something you never truly understood about me.
I never wanted Hawaii, or Vegas, or Tahoe on multiple weekends. At least, not at the time. Sure, it's nice, and I'm grateful for the exciting opportunities, but I never really wanted them at the time. You just... kind of pushed those ideas towards me. Now I'm not saying that I'm boring and wanting to do nothing all the time; you spoiled me so much, and I've done nothing to truly deserve them. I couldn't live up to your expectations, and I'm truly sorry. I still had school and other issues to deal with back at home. I didn't have the capacity to juggle school work and plans with you and your friends constantly. I wasn't mentally ready to be adventurous, venturing out to exciting cities every weekend. All I really wanted was to stay in with you, to escape my problems and feel safe in somewhere I was familiar--at home in your arms. Getting coffee, reading a book, cooking together, and snuggling up under the cozy blankets, bickering bout everything and nothing. And maybe throw in a movie or two or catch some Netflix on the side, with a home cooked meal baking in the oven. Your company was all I really needed. I want(ed) more days like that, and then maybe, maybe I'd warm up to your extravagant adventures your post-grad life has to offer. Or maybe I just wanted to wait until school ended, so I could finally close that chapter of my life and solely focus my time on you. You deserve better than my divided attention. And that's why I initiated a break, because I couldn't give it my all with the overwhelming amount of work I had. Fall semester was the most important and personal semester to me as I was ending my art studies/career, possibly for the rest of my life, and I tried so hard to explain to you how much it meant to me and how much I wanted to focus on my projects (but alas, I still don't think you understand). I didn't want to half-ass our relationship, so I hoped you could wait, and you promised you would. But you ultimately didn't.
You fell out of love. I have no one else to blame but myself. (And maybe the stars, because they certainly didn't align properly.)
I would be lying to myself if I denied all the "what-if's" that circulated in my head. "What if we were the same year?" "What if I had my life together when we were apart?" "What if you decided to have a year break before working?" "What if you still lived in Berkeley?" What if what if what if.
We were on different wavelengths. Mentalities. The ending of our relationship was truly because we were simply at the wrong time and place. I didn't know how dramatic a one year difference could be until you secured a job and graduated. No, it wasn't that. Your lucrative work life is too radical for me to understand; the change was so gradual, yet when you moved out, it really hit hard on the both of us. Not because of distance mind you, but because we were at different, critical periods of our lives.
But that's okay, and I've finally come around to accept it. I've moved on, and sometimes I wish you hadn't so quickly, but you most certainly did. We both need space to grow, to discover who we are, what fuels us, what grinds our gears, what makes us truly happy. We are at one of the most vulnerable stages in our lives--the transition period. We have different priorities now, and I wholeheartedly understand.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
All I really want for Christmas is to salvage what we have left and remain friends and to return to the way we used to talk. But maybe, I'm asking for too much this time. This time, I admit I am asking for something much more that money can't buy.
I wish nothing but the best for you. Merry Christmas (eve).