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Promenading on the Fine Line

Thursday, July 31, 2014 @ 2:06 AM
Here it goes again...

Hi more pointless ranting how people suck and how much I suck.

You know, I'm almost coming to accept that maybe I'm really not a people person at all. That maybe I can't make long lasting friends. Once I believe that maybe, just maybe, you are an exception, something always come up to ruin it. Whether it's your lack of interest/response or my own negligence. I always blame myself and always put myself at fault, but I don't know what other steps to take than that...
I just hate feeling so vulnerable. I hate being patient with friends, giving the benefit of the doubt, hoping that our friendship hasn't weakened. But, that's never true.

This ultimately caused me to lower my confidence in my social skills. I get so nervous nowadays when I spend time with people and whenever someone asks to hang. I always and genuinely say I'm down, but nothing more comes out of it because I'm too scared. Too scared of feeling what friends feel, in fear of my vulnerability, in fear of my own disappointment. I'm afraid of opening up myself and my feelings in fear of a fleeting friendship; I can't waste my time on false promises that I usually create for myself. There's so many people I look up to, so many people I genuinely would love to know better, but I don't have confidence in myself. This game of friendship has created a rollercoaster of emotions and instability as of recent; nowadays I hunger for independence--no longer company--as I can fully rely on myself for happiness.