Whenever they mention the incident or when I get updates, I spiral into a secret depression. Long story short, and I apologize for keeping it so hidden for so long, but I was in (and accidentally) started a fire in my old apartment. That being said, I owe $59k to the insurance company. Yes, $59,000. Only from yours truly. And to be truthful, I've never felt so scared, so hopeless, and so depressed in my life. For one, because my apartment mates are also on the lease, they too have to deal with legal matters, although it is not their fault. And to make matters even worse, the insurance company began to sue my apartment mate's parents (who are the signed guarantors), despite they had nothing to do with it. But this guilt doesn't even end there: I caused so much stress with my apartment mates moving and being homeless for a week, and one had stress levels so intense that I began to distance myself with her, despite her being my best friend, because I felt so guilty and worthless and everyone and everything was seemingly yelling at me. I couldn't take it. I cried, and I cried, and I couldn't do anything. Honestly, I wanted to just escape from reality and die. My life slowly began to become so meaningless and full of burden, it was hard to be happy, and still is for me.
And it's so hard, to deal with all this guilt and all this pressure. I apologize and apologize and try to make amends, but I know they're not satisfied and not okay with it. It's like... although my apartment mates and I get along and have fun times together, I feel that at the end of the day and deep inside, they really hate me for being so irresponsible and putting them through this case. I mean, who wouldn't. And to make matters even worse, I have to put even more burden upon my family. At this rate, it will take nearly a decade for my mom to pay it off. My mom doesn't even make $59,000 in 3 years. And that's when I contemplated about just dropping out of school to work. I have over $20k in loans from UC Berkeley; and I don't want to spend my whole life paying off accumulating loans with growing interests. Don't even get me started on graduate school loans.
What's making me carry throughout the day are just temporary moments of happiness. They make me forget. Yeah, I keep it bottled inside; even if I opened it, it still wouldn't come out. There's nothing I can do. I'm seemingly happy on the outside, and I apologize for being so... "fake." As much as it is hypocritical, I just don't want anyone to feel bad for me.
I don't know what to do, how to pay for it, when I will be done paying for it, and how I'm going to live with myself. Normally, I would go talk to my friends about this instead of venting it on here, but I feel I've vented to them enough about this.
Thank you to everyone who has comforted me and even helped me out by searching for options. A big thank you to my significant other for being there for me on those days where I felt powerless and mind dead. As much as I am grateful for your existence, sometimes I feel that it would be better off us apart so you don't have to feel obliged to help me. I don't want anyone else to share my pain.
And there you have it; a close look on my current life.
Labels: major vent