And one more thing...
My heart is legitimately broken. I knew my affection was strong, but I didn't know it had such an overwhelming affect on me where I ended up crying my feelings out when I heard/saw those words.
This... this is where my true heart, passion, and love truly lies. I owe my upbringing, my realizations, my self identity. And... and to be misled into a welcoming home full of false hopes... it really hurt.
It's just ironic... because I went through a similar experience with someone once, and of course I was hurt, but that pain was not as great as this. I guess the feeling of being unwanted, cheated on, and being deluded the entire time... resulted an excruciating pain in my heart.
I think what hurt me the most, is that it seemed that no one really understood what I went through; the countless thoughts, the countless yearnings, the countless decisions... the new appreciation I received, the new experience I felt, the stronger attachment I gained. It was as if it was thrown out the window; and no one even saw it.
But then again, I really don't blame them; they only heard of what I said in a general sense, so there was no way they would understand my complete story. No one knows the full story or understands. I simply hoped my actions spoke louder than words. Yet... I failed.
Right now, truthfully, although there were attempts to help mend the wound, I still feel extremely hurt. Like, if I didn't cry or plea for an understanding, nothing would have happened and everyone would have went on their merry way. If I stayed quiet, I wouldn't have been given pity, or so it feels like. And I hate that. And I don't know what to do. My heart is still in pain, and I don't know what to do to help it heal faster. And now that I'm committed to you, all this would bring is this painful memory. I was hoping to escape, completely untie myself from my roots--and quite truthfully, I was nearly on the way there--, but I guess I can't run away.
So what happens from now on... I don't know. I don't know what fate has in store for me. I know that everything happens for reason, but this one is making me have these prolonging feelings I never once felt before...
Labels: major vent