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Promenading on the Fine Line

Wednesday, February 22, 2012 @ 4:45 AM
All that glisters is not gold.

At times, a feeling of guilt washes over me. Since last year, I realized the true gift of "natural" smartness. A couple days ago, Tito brought up a topic, stating how those who go to Berkeley are all very smart. In a general sense, yes, but realistically, no. There's three types of people: Those who are "naturally" smart, those who try their hardest, and those who don't. The ones who don't try are missing the "natural" talent of retaining information. The ones who don't try are missing the motivation the ones who try their hardest have. The reason I quote natural is because there has been a debate between those who excel at retaining information; is it nature or nurture? It can go both ways.

So what's the guilt? Hm, my talent in art and apparently writing. I can spend only a few hours half conscious and I would still get a decent grade. The legendary Steven Vu once told me that for track&field, he had to train two or three times as hard as say, Marco, the top runner in our high school, just to compete with his level. I don't know why, but I've never forgotten that moment when he explained his predicament to me. He told me Marco would skip practice every so often and he said he can't risk of ever missing one. I guess it really surprised me how even the best of the best has their weaknesses, but the most amazing thing about him is that he still has the intense motivation to keep on striving, even though he knows he may or may not be the fastest runner in the world.
I... I have so much potential, and I really hate seeing people who are "naturally" good at a subject (especially at a science) and excel at it with minimal studying. It's not fair. But then I'm being unfair myself. It tears me up inside seeing Mary work extremely hard on her papers for days and hours on end, stressing, when I do them the night before half awake and end up with--guiltily--a higher grade. It tears me up inside seeing my art peers struggle on an art piece so much every day, putting such a long time into it, and I draw for a less amount of time yet apparent skill is portrayed evidently. I throw my art assignments together last minute, and others take hours, and I--guiltily again--have the more skilled piece. Sigh, why do I do this to myself; it's not fair.
Priscilla and I once had a conversation about the gifted and talented people at USC (and Berkeley) and how they waste their time doing non-beneficial things such as getting wasted on a constant basis. They can do so much more using that time, you know? But here I am... doing the same thing sort of, but displaying another form of wasting efforts. I feel like a hypocrite.

Oh wait, I AM a hypocrite. Moving onto an entirely different subject, yes, I recently confirmed it, but I'll keep the details to myself. I really do hate (yes, HATE hate) myself for what I did, but what can I do now? Goddamnit, I hate the overturn of emotions; it causes me to become reckless.
damnitdamnitdamnit. DAMNIT.

okay, entry over and out.

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