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Promenading on the Fine Line

Sunday, March 6, 2011 @ 9:20 PM

Why does the night always have this profound effect on me?

Is it the tranquility, where I am assured that all living creatures are in their peaceful slumber; where innocence and youth are once again awakened?

In one way or another, ultimately, we are all immortal. There is no need for the fountain of youth, the monkey's paw, or the overhyped anti-aging serums. Each of us are given a life to lead; we choose how we start it, and we choose how we end it.
When Death nears and reaches us, some of us will be remembered for their humorous personality, their magnanimous kindness, their achieved ambitions, or even all of the mistakes they've made. But what happens to those who can't differ themselves?
We need to put ourselves out there. If we do not act, how will we be remembered? If we do not speak, how will we be remembered? And when we die, will we die with pride, or will we die with embarrassment? Or even worse, will people know we died?
If Charles Dickens have taught me anything, it would be that no matter how lethargic or unfortunate life have been lived (Yes Sydney Carton, I'm talking to you), the final deed will forever live on. Our names will be passed down; our actions be forever spoken about. We choose how to end our tale, and it is the ending that touches most hearts and mends the hurt we've done.
In the past, this have always worried me. "What do people think of me?" My personality is nothing to be proud about; I'm only average. Maybe even below. Or perhaps, maybe it's just the people and I don't feel comfortable enough to open myself fully. So I won't be surprised if people don't dub me as "wonderful," or "nice to talk to." It's because I chose it to be that way. I chose to walk alone to teach myself how to gain happiness from my own embodiment, and not happiness from others' attention. I've chosen to walk the path of the Buddha for "suffering leads to enlightenment." As pitiful as it may sound, I've given up the need of having a lot of friends to keep me happy--and I'm content with that fact. I'm content with the few, close friends I have. I think I almost have the social part down; now I just have to work on materialism, and someday, vanity.
Even the children-targeted Kingdom Hearts series used to idealize, "In this place, to find is to lose and to lose is to find. That is the way of things in Castle Oblivion."

With that said, I still wonder how I will be remembered when I graduate. To be honest, I wouldn't like to be remembered for my talents or for a discovery of a cure, even if that happens. That's like remembering on a first level basis; I'd feel that would be too superficial. Not that it's a bad thing to be remembered for, but I'd like it to be on a more personal note. Perhaps it's just me; I am not proud of my talents. I believe they're not something worth remembering, yet.
College is waiting; I am waiting. A new, fresh start. No expectations to live up to. No trace of my past will be known. A whole new identity will emerge; I will be reborn, resurrected. And this time, I plan to have my spirit vigorously live on.

on a less serious, yet related matter...
...why do you think I made a blogspot (with the following option hidden) versus the ever so popular tumblr? Those who "follow" my blogspot would have to manually check it themselves; there is no live, updating feed that notifies you when I posted something new. (That... and tumblr lacks originality. For reals. Nothing peeves me more seeing ANY tumblr that have more than 40% of it reblogs. SO ANNOYING; IDC. Watch for a future rant!) And whoever regularly visits my story of my life, I am very much grateful for your frequent concern.
I always believed only one or two were interested in my hackneyed life, but I was proven wrong with the overwhelming statistics by the visitor counter.
So thanks... Thanks for keeping in check with me by your own will and mind. I know that people visit here because they remembered by themselves, and not by their news feed reminding them.
However... I still don't understand why I have so many visits...